The 5 Worst Movies of 2013

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Friday I listed what I thought were the best movies of 2013. Now it’s time to talk about the worst. I normally don’t like piling on movies that miss their mark. But call this a Public Service Announcement. It’s a warning of sorts that points out what I felt were the real stinkers of 2013. Of course this is based on the movies I’ve seen. There’s plenty of garbage that I was lucky enough to avoid. Still, these five dandies are certainly worth missing.

#5 – “The Lone Ranger”

Unlike many, I felt “The Lone Ranger” had tons of potential. Sure it was based on an old television western that may not connect with younger audiences, but it was still a good concept with plenty of star power behind it. I certainly wasn’t expecting the overly long and bloated mess that we got. The film runs at a gasping 150 minutes and suffers from huge shifts in tone and almost no energy whatsoever. And Armie Hammer is as stiff and unsure as anyone else I saw last year. I don’t agree with some of the gripes thrown its way (racism, revisionist history, etc) but there are still plenty of other problems to point to. What a missed opportunity.

#4 – “Now You See Me”

Speaking of missed opportunities, “Now You See Me” was a film built around a pretty cool concept. It’s too bad the script was so darned ridiculous. Four street magicians are hired by a wealthy financier to perform elaborate bank robberies. All of that sounds good. But the story becomes unhinged once it starts to twist and turn. Some of the reveals are downright silly and then there is the whole weird secret society thing called “The Eye”. I really like Ruffalo, Caine, Harrelson, Eisenberg, and especially the wonderful French actress Laurent. But they can’t make up for the goofy and scatterbrained script. This should have better.

#3 – “After Earth”

This should hardly be a surprise to anyone. The universally panned “After Earth” was a film well deserving of the thrashing it took from critics. At a cost of nearly $250 million (including marketing), “After Earth” should have never been as bad as it was. But with the fading M. Night Shyamalan at the helm and two truly horrendous performances from Will and Jaden Smith, the movie never had a chance. The story fumbles along never providing an ounce of energy or excitement. It’s boring and sometimes laughably bad. I can’t see this movie helping the careers of any of the three people I cited. As a matter of fact, I can see this as a career killer.

#2 – “White House Down”

Roland Emmerich has become a master of the obnoxious, silly, overstuffed action picture. “White House Down” may be his crowning achievement in the area of stupidity. This movie screws up everything. The story is unoriginal. The characters are boring and cliche. The action is dull and repetitive. The acting is absolutely terrible. The CGI is poorly done. It’s waaay too long and sitting through 130 minutes of it is mind-numbing. I could go one and on. Emmerich’s politically correct action thriller has no exciting action and it isn’t the least bit thrilling. Even its attempts at humor fall flat as a pancake. Watching this was a chore.

#1 – “Grown Ups 2”

It’s hard imagining a movie being worse than the first “Grown Ups” film. Well this sequel is worse in almost every way. The same idiotic juvenile humor is apparently all that Adam Sandler knows and it has never been more on display than in this film. Cheap and unfunny toilet humor along with moronic slapstick never drew a laugh out of me. I sat stone-faced through this poor excuse for a comedy constantly wondering how this thing attracted the audience it did. It’s relentlessly stupid and the jokes feel as though they were written by some hack looking for a payday. And there is practically no plot whatsoever. This was clearly a cash-in movie for Sandler and his pals and sadly they laughed all the way to the bank. At least someone was laughing. I sure wasn’t.

So there they are. Do you agree or disagree with any of my choices? I would love to hear your least favorite movie of the year. Please drop a comment in the section below.

44 thoughts on “The 5 Worst Movies of 2013

  1. Lone Ranger had problems indeed, but I have to say I still quite enjoyed it. Agree with Now You See Me, the idea was cool but the end twist the movie had took a huge dump on what went before. After Earth did not work as well because I thought Jayden Smith was miscast. Had no issue with Will Smith, there was only so much he could do, not being able to move. Had a blast with White House Down although I do agree that the CGI looked terrible. Luckily I did not watch Grown Ups 2 😉

    • Thanks for the comments my friend. I wanted to like “The Lone Ranger” but I just couldn’t. I really felt it was all over the map and was too long. But I will say I’ve just seen a movie that I do think is worse so it would have bumped Ranger out of this list.

      Just don’t think I could sit through WHD again. I disliked pretty much everything from the performances, the repetitive action, and once again the length.

  2. I’ve avoided them all with the exception of Now You See Me. Well, I pretty much avoided that. I lasted about 20 mins before pressing the eject button. It was ridiculous from the offset and I refused to waste my time on it. Thanks for confirming my suspicions bro!

  3. I honestly didn’t think it was possible to make a more atrocious film than Grown Ups but then again, if anybody was going to manage it, the safe bet was on the perpetrators of the first. Director Dennis Dugan’s CV reads like the Chapters of a book surely titled “The Ass End of Hollywood and its Greatest Terrible Movies”.

  4. Haven’t seen The Lone Ranger or Grown Ups 2 (intentionally so on both counts), but the other three are very bad movies. For the reasons you cite.

    Good list!

  5. I actually didn’t mind The Lone Ranger. I saw it after seeing it get absolutely destroyed by everyone so maybe that actually helped as I thought it was going to be a lot worse than it was. After Earth was a real stinker though, a really terrible film.

  6. Lucky for me I only saw Lone Ranger out of this one, which was indeed awful. But it wouldn’t be in my bottom 5 of the year, Only God Forgives is a clear winner for the worst film I endured last year 🙂

  7. I think your top three are probably spot on. I didn’t see White House Down precisely because I didn’t think it would be any good. I personally didn’t hate Lone Ranger. It was waaaay too long, unnecessarily complicated and terribly cast (Ranger and Tonto, IMO) but I thought all the hate it received was a little overblown. Grown Ups 2 was a total disaster. Very deserving of worst last year!

    • I’ve said I was going to watch Ranger again but I just can’t bring myself to. I felt it was a long, arduous film that was all over the map. I do plan on giving it another shot though.

  8. Grown Ups 2 was bad…especially after I enjoyed the first (and I am in the minority here on that). So disappointed even more so than expected.

    Can’t disagree with anything on your list, although I hated a few more more than Now You See Me! ha. Fun stuff here, Keith!

    • Thanks brother. My dad and I have a big disagreement on Now You See Me. He absolutely loved it. I did see a movie that might replace it on this list. It’s review is coming later this week. (Teaser, Teaser).

  9. Totally agree about Now You See Me, it’s the only one I haven’t seen yet, phew! I might rent “The Lone Ranger” but man it’s such a long film to be a stinker!

    • Hey Ruth! I’ve said I want to give Ranger another shot but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have a review coming up for another 2013 stinker that I just saw. You would really hate this one! hint, hint…

      • Hmmm, I’m curious now. So I have seen this movie? The one you’re about to review I mean.

        Yeah, I don’t know when I’ll see The Lone Ranger. Ted gave me a review a while ago that I haven’t posted yet. He actually didn’t hate it.

  10. Nice list. I’ve only seen two of these (The Lone Ranger and White House Down). The former was utterly terrible and while I liked White House more than most, it was still a lousy and bad movie.

    • Now You See Me was frustrating because it had potential but I thought it squandered it at the end. White House Down just drive me crazy. But I know several people who thought it was pretty good.

  11. Think your list would match mine. I am lucky in that I don’t feel compelled to watch every movie released, otherwise I bet there would be worse ones to make the list. But, I disliked all the movies you listed, so there you go! Nice post.

  12. I actually quite enjoyed the Lone Ranger and I also think White House Down was a tongue in cheek action movie which intended fully to be dumb, which made it work in my book. It never took itself seriously like the similar Olympus Has Fallen, therefore I think was actually pretty good!

    • I can respect those takes. I know several people who really responded to WHD. It just didn’t work for me on any level. I didn’t even find the action all that impressive. The Lone Ranger wouldn’t make that list if I were doing it today. Since then I’ve seen two or three other 2013 stinkers that could easily take its place. It is definitely a movie I plan on revisiting.

  13. Pingback: » Movie Review – Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2 Fernby Films

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