Spider-Man is easily one of the most popular superheroes in existence. Among the many things that fans love about the revered webslinger is the amazing array of characters who fill out his world. Allies, villains, non-superpowered side characters – the list is long and diverse. Over the years many have found their ways onto the big screen and one thing has become abundantly clear, some characters have fared considerably better than others when it comes to Spidey movies.

Adding to the list of those who haven’t fared well is Madame Web, a supporting character in the Spidey comics who now gets her own movie in Sony’s Spider-Man cinematic universe. Unfortunately what we get is an exercise in futility that stretches the Spider-Man brand beyond its limits. Directed by S.J. Clarkson and (somehow) written by a team of FOUR screenwriters, “Madame Web” is a hodgepodge of fair to downright terrible ideas, thrown together to form one of the more excruciating superhero movies to endure.

Opening in 1973, deep in the Amazonian jungles of Peru, Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim) provides security for a science and research expedition led by Constance Webb (Kerry Bishé). There they discover a new species of spider with healing properties capable of curing all kinds of diseases. In true villain form, Ezekiel turns on Constance and their team, claiming the discovery for himself and leaving Constance for dead. A mysterious local tribe attempt to save Constance and her unborn baby using some kind of magical spider venom. But Constance dies while delivering her daughter, Cassie.

From there we jump ahead to 2003 as what happened in the thirty years between is mostly left unanswered. Cassie (Dakota Johnson) is a New York City paramedic working alongside Ben Parker (Adam Scott). When an emergency call ends with Cassie having a near-death experience, she begins having strange and unexplainable visions. She first tries to dismiss them as simple déjà vu. But over time she realizes her visions are actually glimpses into the future.

Meanwhile Ezekiel, who has premonition and physical powers all his own, has set his sights on three unconnected teenagers, Julia Cornwall (Sydney Sweeney), Anya Carazon (Isabela Merced), Mattie Franklin (Celeste O’Connor). Ezekiel has been haunted by visions of the future where these girls (somehow) gain their own spider-powers and use them to kill him. Determined to prevent his death, Ezekiel sets out to kill the girls first. But when Cassie’s newfound powers reveals Ezekiel’s plans, she’s compelled to save and protect the girls, all while trying to understand her strange abilities.

As vague and poorly defined as it is, there are hints of an original and potentially interesting premise. But Clarkson and the team of writers never get beyond teasing those ideas. Instead their movie meanders to the point of tedium. The characters are dull and uninspired as is the action which is hampered by poor staging, choppy editing, and mediocre-to-bad CGI.

The dreadful script doesn’t help things. It’s full of gaping holes, narrative shortcuts, and some astonishingly bad dialogue. The glaring oversights (and there are many of them) are especially funny. Take Cassie being wanted by police for kidnapping the girls she actually saved. Yet she drives all over New York City in a stolen cab, walks around in broad daylight, gets flights in and out of the country without the cops every getting wind. It’s as if the movie completely forgets the whole police angle.

“Madame Web” is capped off with an unimaginative and utterly preposterous finale that leaves you scratching your head at how poorly its pieces come together. There’s no real stakes and as a result there’s no real suspense. Add to it our general lack of investment and you have a doomed ending with no real chance of offering up a satisfying conclusion. Its best quality is that it mercifully ends what is a flailing mess of a movie – one that seems perfectly content with riding Spider-Man’s coattails rather than trying for something smart, original, and coherent. “Madame Web” is in theaters now.

VERDICT – 1.5 STARS