“Chum” may be the most hilariously obvious title for a movie you’ll see all year, especially when you consider it’s a sharksploitation movie. Mixing bloody horror with thriller elements, sharksploitation has quickly developed into a genre all its own. Unfortunately the quality of the films being churned out as of late makes you wonder how long this genre will stay afloat. That is especially true for the astonishingly bad “Chum”.

Director and co-writer Jonathan Zuck takes a handful of well-worn ideas and a noticeably small budget to create “Chum”. Making a movie independently with very few resources is always impressive and admirable. Unfortunately “Chum” is a mess of a movie that struggles to function in its filmmaking and storytelling. And no matter how hard it tries (and to its credit, it really does try), the film delivers nothing in the way of legitimate thrills.

We meet Tina (Alice Eve) and Tom (Eric Michael Cole) at their lavish wedding reception in Malta. The two may have just exchanged their vows, but there is clearly a tension between them. We later find out why. Tina has been offered partner at her law firm. And she’ll be fast-tracked if she secures drilling leases in Alaska for a major oil company. Tom is an investment banker turned environmental crusader who is vehemently against her working on behalf of her client.

But for some reason they get married anyway, despite both being miserable. Even more, they reluctantly go out on a three-hour catamaran excursion planned and paid for by Tom’s best man, Rick (Johnny Gaffney). Joining the unhappy couple and Rick are their friends, Rachinda (Sarah Siadat) and Brittany (Lisa Yard), along with Tina’s moody and unsupportive younger sister, Sadie (Elle Haymond). Aside from their marriage woes, Tina is hesitant to go due to reports of an increase in shark attacks. But the Captain reassures her with a kiss of death – “There’s never been a shark attack in these waters.”

Sure enough, a ferocious man-eating shark attacks leading to a hilarious string of mishaps that leaves the Captain seriously injured and the boat on the verge of sinking. Thankfully they’re spotted by a fisherman named Roy (Jim Klock) who gets them to his boat as the digitalized shark circles them all in search of his next computer-generated meal. But as it turns out, Roy has a painful history with this particular shark. And the frightened friends quickly learn that Roy will do anything to get revenge for what the shark took from him.

Zuck and his co-writer Joe Leone throw us a twist that might be more effective if we hadn’t seen a variation of it in another shark movie just last year. But that aside, the film’s other problems mount fast. The performances are unconvincing at best as the cast tries to make something out of the clunky material. Their characters often sound like they’re reading off a page and their actions can be utterly baffling. And it doesn’t help that it all has the emotional impact of a cinder block. Nothing feels authentic or investment worthy.

Technically, it’s not much better. The ‘action’ scenes are littered with jarring cuts and odd uses of slow-motion. And the digital shark never looks real enough to be menacing. To cap it all off, the film ends with some awkwardly on-the-nose messaging that sinks any part of the movie that was left afloat. It’s a shame because a lot of effort went into getting the film made in spite of an obviously small amount of resources. But sadly nothing really works in this baffling misfire, which makes a lot of bad shark movies suddenly look better.

VERDICT – 1 STAR

On the front-end of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s near fifty-year acting career, after he had established himself in two Conan movies and took the world by storm in “The Terminator”, he released “Commando”. It was his first starring role (minus the docudrama “Pumping Iron”) that wasn’t science fiction or sword-and-sorcery. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t an element of modern day fantasy to it. It was pure over-the-top 1980s popcorn action that audiences flocked to and that I still adore today.

“Commando” would be the biggest hit for director Mark L. Lester. It was one of several for screenwriter Steven Edward de Souza whose high-profile action resume also includes the first two Die Hard films, “The Running Man”, and “48 Hrs.” (yes, there’s also “Hudson Hawk”, but we’ll save that for a later Retro Review). Together they took a story idea conceived by Jeph Loeb for Kiss bassist Gene Simmons (!!) and retailored it for Schwarzenegger’s obvious strengths.

In 1985, Schwarzenegger was at his physical peak, and Lester utilized it to a near comical effect. From the early shots of Arnie quite literally carrying a tree, to him running onto the beach in a tiny Speedo, Schwarzenegger was a formidable specimen. Yet what really drew him to the role was the opportunity to play a father. Sure, he’s also a one-man killing machine who can fling an occupied phone booth and roll over sports cars with his bare hands. But the role allowed him to show a human side which he appreciated.

Schwarzenegger plays John Matrix (the perfect 80s action movie name), a retired Army colonel who has left his life in the Special Forces to raise his young daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano). Together they live a quiet and happy life in their remote rustic home in the mountains of upstate California. But their idyllic and slightly cheesy existence is interrupted when Matrix is visited by his former commander, General Franklin Kirby (James Olson), who warns him that members of his former unit have been systematically murdered.

With Kirby barely out of sight, Matrix’s home is attacked by mercenaries who kidnap him and his daughter. The man behind it all is General Arius (Dan Hedaya), a former South American despot who wants Matrix to kill his small country’s president so he can retake power. With the help of Matrix’s maniacal former squad-mate Bennett (Vernon Wells), Arius transports Jenny to his fortified island compound, using her as leverage to keep Matrix in line.

Accompanied by one of Arius’ henchmen, Matrix is put on a commercial plane bound for South America and his presidential target. But he gives the goon the slip (via a cracked neck) and hops off the plane just as it’s taking off. That leaves him with eleven hours until the plane lands and Arius is alerted that he isn’t onboard. And he will need every minute of those eleven hours to locate Arius’ compound and to make his way there to save his daughter.

After its fast and violent setup, “Commando” settles into an interesting rhythm as Matrix begins piecing together a trail of clues that he hopes will lead him to Jenny. It’s here that the supporting cast gets even better. Matrix finds an ally in a reluctant flight attendant named Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong) who adds some levity while still getting in way over her head. We also get a couple of terrific heavies including the delightfully slimy Sully (David Patrick Kelly) and the intense and menacing Cooke (the great Bill Duke).

“Commando” is an action movie through and through. But Lester and de Souza leave plenty of room for laughs. Admittedly some are unintentional and have even grown endearing over the years. But others can be organically funny – none better than the many one-liners. “He’s dead tired.”, “I lied.”, “I let him go.” – just some of the deliberately goofy bits that remain memorable after all these years.

But it all does come back to the action which we get in spades during the film’s final twenty minutes. That’s when Matrix and his arsenal of machine guns, rocket launchers, grenades, shotguns, sawblades, pitchforks, and claymores tears through Arius’ army of fodder to the audience’s delight. It’s non-stop carnage with a body count topping one hundred, yet its a wonderfully fitting finish for a movie that does a good job building up to its inevitable end.

“Commando” is a certainly a movie of its time. But is says something that it’s still revered by so many today. As I said, it’s pure popcorn entertainment that fans love for its artery-clogging cheese just as much as its wild over-the-top action. And it was the perfect vehicle for the fairly fresh Arnold Schwarzenegger who would immediately follow the film with hits like “Predator”, “The Running Man”, “Total Recall” and so many more.

VERDICT – 4 STARS

While Conan was born in 1932 on the pulpy pages of “Weird Tales” magazine, for many of us it was the 1982 film “Conan the Barbarian” that gave us our proper introduction to the character. Directed by John Milius, this sword-and-sorcery epic was a commercial success and over time it gained a sizable cult following. Perhaps most notable, “Conan the Barbarian” put its star, a young Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the cinematic map.

Bringing Robert E. Howard’s creation to the big screen had been attempted for years, but licensing and funding issues repeatedly got in the way. But it wasn’t until Dino De Laurentiis came onboard that the movie received its proper green light. Milius was to direct and co-write the script along with Oliver Stone. Filming began in October, 1980 with the majority of the production shot in Spain. And Spain provides some truly epic landscapes which helps give the film its grand and epic scale.

In a harrowing prelude, we watch as a young Conan (Jorge Sanz) witnesses his Cimmerian village being ravaged and his people being slaughtered by a violent band of marauders led by a ruthless sorcerer and cult leader named Thulsa Doom (James Earl Doom). Among the massacred dead are Conan’s father and his mother, who was beheaded as she held her son’s hand. Conan and the other children are then taken south and sold into labor.

Years pass for the enslaved Conan, who is forced to work in a grueling mill until adulthood. Now played by Schwarzenegger, the rugged and muscled Conan is forced into brutal pit fighting where he battles to the death for the pleasures of bloodthirsty crowds. He eventually earns his freedom. But with no place to call home, he roams the land, having a number of fantastical encounters (and a few hedonistic ones) along the way.

But Conan’s course changes after he meets and teams up with a fierce warrior and bandit, Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) and a skilled thief named Subotai (Gerry Lopez). The trio loot, waste their riches, and then steal some more until they are captured and brought before King Osric the Usurper (played by the late, great Max von Sydow). But rather than imprison them, the king hires them to retrieve his daughter Yasimina (Valérie Quennessen) who has been lured away by none other than Thulsa Doom.

Seeing his chance for revenge, Conan readily accepts, setting the stakes for the rest of the story which plays out similarly to so many other sword-and-sorcery adventures. But to its credit, “Conan the Barbarian” has long stood out as one of the blueprints for a movie genre that thrived for over a decade before dying off amid the waves of new genre trends. And for many of us, there is an appreciation for it (and other films like it) that goes beyond mere nostalgia.

Perhaps you could pick apart some of the performances. Maybe certain elements haven’t aged as well as others. It’s possible that the film’s serious tone is too much for more modern expectations. Regardless, “Conan the Barbarian” remains a pillar among the 1980s fantasy adventure films while setting Arnold Schwarzenegger on a path to motion picture stardom. It’s true that it’s a movie of its time. But that does nothing to take away its impact or appeal.

VERDICT – 4 STARS

Perhaps more than any other horror subgenre, it’s possession movies that too often find themselves treading the same ground. A prime example is “The Containment”, another possession chiller that hits so many familiar beats that you’ll immediately recognize the tune. It features all the normal tropes that we’ve seen a million times which numbs us to most of its attempts to scare. Yet to its credit, the film throws us an unexpected curveball in the third act that almost saves the day…almost.

From co-directors Jack and Yossy Zagha Kababie, “The Containment” tells a fairly simple story, although it’s one that seems to be missing some key narrative pieces. It’s set in Fayetteville, Arkansas and focuses on a grieving family still reeling after a horrible tragedy. Jules (Charlotte Hunter) is trying to keep things together after her quadriplegic husband kills himself. Their two children are coping in their own ways. The older Caroline (Gia Hunter) has turned rebellious and defiant while her kid brother Don (Gabriel Bonilla) hasn’t spoken since the incident.

The family dynamic is set up early on and there is no real variation to it for the vast majority of the movie. Instead the three family members remain stuck in the same gear, even when the abovementioned possession comes. Rather than exploring the layers of emotional strain between the characters, we instead watch as the snotty Caroline get snottier, as Jules sorts out an out-of-the-blue and woefully underdeveloped relationship, and as Don remains quiet.

But things do change when a large bug resembling an ancient Egyptian scarab crawls into Caroline’s mouth and down her throat as she sleeps. As bad luck would have it, the scarab thingie is carrying a malicious demonic force that possesses Caroline whenever it feels like it. When it does, we end up getting the whole bit – blacked out eyes, vomiting, levitation, bone-cracking body contortions, speaking in other voices. It’s all there.

The hospital can’t find anything wrong. A YouTubing demonology expert is a bust. Even the local priest refuses to perform an exorcism. The family’s lone help comes from a lowly nun named Sister Esperanza (Fernanda Romero) who seems to be in way over her head. The story sputters along from there, teasing us with moments that never really deliver the tension or scares we’re looking for. It isn’t until the very end that we get our first surprise – a sinister jolt that broadsides our expectations.

“The Containment” hits us with some stylish visual flourishes and some fairly creepy imagery. But it struggles mightily in distinguishing itself from the countless possession movies that have done the same thing better. The film isn’t helped by the shaky pacing, the lack of scares, and a noticeably dry lead performance. But its the copy-and-paste adherence to the possession movie formula that drags everything down. And even an unexpected kick at the end isn’t enough to bring it to life.

VERDICT – 2 STARS

There’s a throwback quality to writer-director Bart Layton’s “Crime 101” that you start to notice in its earliest moments. It’s hard to avoid comparisons to Michael Mann classics like “Thief” and “Heat” or Willian Friedkin’s “To Live and Die in L.A”. You can even see the DNA of some the great paranoia thrillers of the 1970s. Layton’s movie may not reach those lofty heights, but you can feel the pulse of those crime genre gems racing all through his latest.

“Crime 101” is based on a 2020 novella by crime novelist Don Winslow. It follows a Los Angeles jewel thief named Mike (Chris Hemsworth) who has successfully executed a string of high-end heists along the busy 101 freeway. After every completed robbery, Mike turns over the haul to his fence (Nick Nolte) who finds a buyer before helping Mike organize his next job.

Much like De Niro’s Neil McCauley from “Heat”, Mike keeps a low profile and intentionally has no personal attachments. And when working, he operates by a very strict set of rules. It’s what has made him a seasoned professional. But also like Neil, Mike breaks his own rules when he becomes involved with a charming young woman (wonderfully played here by Monica Barbaro) who has him second-guessing the life he lives.

Staying with the “Heat” similarities, Mark is furiously pursued by a police detective Lou Lubesnick (Mark Ruffalo) who instantly calls back to Al Pacino’s Vincent Hanna. Like Vincent, Lou’s fixation with his job has wrecked his home life. But he’s a good cop, and he’s hellbent on learning Mike’s identity and stopping his crime spree, no matter how much his lone-wolf obsession puts him at odds with his department.

But Layton tosses in several key characters of his own who add some interesting layers to his story. Tops among them is Sharon Combs (Halle Berry), a broker for a prominent insurance company who finds herself stuck in a VP position while her colleagues are being made partners. Then there’s Ormon (Barry Keoghan), a violently unhinged dirt bike-riding ruffian who begins stepping in on Mike’s action. Both end up playing significant roles in Layton crime movie web.

As its name so clearly implies, “Crime 101” is a straightforward crime thriller – the kind we don’t get as often as we used to. And much like those past crime thrillers, it’s stringently character-driven. Yet despite their similarities, “Crime 101” is no copy-and-paste of “Heat”. It takes its characters in its own distinct directions. It also dabbles in a range of themes involving class, corruption, greed, wealth gaps, childhood trauma, workplace inequality, etc. Not every character thread or thematic interest gets the time it needs, but it does open up some compelling paths for Layton to explore.

Layton’s script finds a healthy balance between action, drama, and suspense. He confidently crafts a compelling story that sustains tension on its way to an inevitable big finish. It has a few too many moving parts, but (for the most part) Layton keeps them corralled and working in unison. And it doesn’t hurt to have such a talent-rich cast that includes six Academy Award nominees. A grounded and restrained Hemsworth gives one his best performances while Berry, Ruffalo, Barbaro, and Keoghan are perfect fits for their roles.

“Crime 101” is a sleek, impeccably crafted, and thoroughly entertaining heist thriller that proudly embraces its ancestors while feeling surprisingly fresh at the same time. The action is exhilarating, characters are given plenty of room to bloom, and Los Angeles is brilliantly rendered through DP Erik Wilson’s evocative lensing. But it’s the script that anchors it all, with its high stakes, gripping suspense, and moral quandaries that push the story into some unexpected territory.

VERDICT – 4 STARS

When a highly contagious, mutating microorganism with world-ending capabilities threatens to escape a decommissioned military facility, the unlikely trio of Joe Keery, Georgina Campbell, and Liam Neeson are the only thing standing between our planet and total annihilation. If that sounds crazy to you, then you get the vibe of “Cold Storage”, a comedy horror film that is utterly bonkers in the best ways imaginable.

You would never know it, but “Cold Storage” is only the second feature film from director Jonny Campbell and his first since 2006’s “Alien Autopsy”. Here he gets some terrific material to work with from screenwriter David Koepp, who is adapting his own 2019 novel of the same name. Just as good is the all-in cast who fully embraces the film’s horror and comedy elements. Keery, Campbell, and Neeson take center stage. But they’re surrounded by great pieces including Leslie Manville, Vanessa Redgrave, and Sosie Bacon.

Some opening script tells us the government once stored top-secret scientific experiments on the Skylab space station. When it fell out of orbit in 1979, some of its debris crashed to earth. Most fell in the Indian Ocean, but other parts hit land, including an oxygen tank near the small village of Kiwirrkurra in Western Australia. When all contact with the village is lost, bioterror agent Major Robert Quinn (Neeson) and his partner Trini (Manville) accompany Dr. Hero Martins (Bacon) to investigate. The trio discovers a rapidly mutating parasitic fungus that is highly contagious and lethal to its carrier.

Jump ahead eighteen years to the remote Atchison Mines in Missouri River Bluffs, Kansas. It was once the home to a high security top-secret facility ran by the U. S. Department of Defense. But years passed and the DOD decommissioned the facility. After remaining abandoned for years, it was finally purchased and turned into a 24-hour self-storage business.

Enter the chatty and slightly neurotic Teacake (Keery) and his new co-worker Naomi (Campbell). They work the night shift at the storage company which usually consists of long boring evenings where nothing happens. But that quickly changes after the overly curious pair track a mysterious beep to an old console behind the walls. It leads to the duo discovering the once sealed military base and more specifically its lower sublevel where the parasitic fungus had been isolated for decades.

As you can probably guess, the deadly fungus spreads and wrecks havoc throughout the complex. Meanwhile, alarms secretly go out to the Department of Defense who immediately contact the retired Major Quinn. He’s sent to the Kansas location to contain the fungus before it escapes the facility. But he’ll need some specialized equipment, and maybe a little help from some old and new friends if he’s going to head off a potential apocalypse.

“Cold Storage” manages to surprise in so many different ways. First is the effortlessly playful chemistry between Keery and Campbell. Together they mine as many laughs as scares from Koepp’s gleefully outrageous script. Then there’s the lights-out supporting characters. In addition to Neeson and Manville’s special agents, we get Teacake and Naomi’s slimeball boss (Gavin Spokes), Naomi’s obsessive ex (Aaron Heffernan), a stubborn DOD Colonel (Robert Brake), Quinn’s inside ally (Ellora Torchia), and the elderly Mrs. Rooney (Redgrave) who comes to check her storage unit at the worst possible time.

Just as fun are the film’s visuals which feature a healthy helping of practical effects with some well incorporated digital enhancement. I don’t know if decaying flesh or bursting bodies ever looked so good. So as you can tell, “Cold Storage” has a little something for everyone. It doesn’t lean too far one way or another – striking that pitch-perfect balance between straight comedy and gory horror. And as a proud genre film lover, it delivered on its potential in ways that I ever expected.

VERDICT – 4 STARS