Sometimes you go into a movie with a sinking feeling in your stomach. You aren’t at all excited for what you’re about to see. Or at best you’re completely indifferent. Maybe the trailer left a bad impression. Maybe you just know the movie isn’t for you. Yet you see it anyway, clinging to a thin thread of hope that you’ll be surprised. Taking the chance that you may have misjudged it. Saying with all the optimism you can muster, “Maybe this isn’t the movie I thought it would be.”
“Cinderella” is exactly the movie I thought it would be.
“Pitch Perfect” scribe Kay Cannon writes and directs yet another version of the Charles Perrault classic, this one originally under the Sony umbrella but sold to Amazon to be released this weekend on Prime streaming. While they share the same name, “Cinderella” 2021 has little in common with the other versions outside of the basic details. Instead what we get here is an aggressively modernized reimagining with what seems like a poorly veiled distaste for the fairytale that inspired it.
While I’m not sure anyone was clamoring for a new “Cinderella” movie, Cannon’s musical version had some promise. But it’s too preoccupied with highlighting its own forward-thinking and wedging in every policy from the progressive playbook. There’s no nuance, subtlety or cleverness to be found anywhere in this laughably heavy-handed reinvention. We see the politics everywhere, but where’s the magic?
To clarify, Cannon has a tale that’s ready-made for a fun and enlightened update. The story of female empowerment and following one’s dreams should inspire any young girl. And its critique of a backwards male-dominated society speaks to issues that still have relevance today. But do we really go to a “Cinderella” movie for what it has to say about the coal industry or military spending?
Some of this would be easier to digest if the story itself wasn’t so flat. We get a few flashes of originality, but the movie ends up backing itself into a corner and routinely falls into traps that it itself set. Meanwhile characters are nothing but a swirl of bland caricatures. In fairness, some of this is due to classic story which most of us know by heart. But it’s still reasonable to expect the characters to be interesting, especially in a movie that makes such a big deal out of distancing itself from the other adaptations. They aren’t.
And the music isn’t much better. Weird covers of songs by Janet Jackson, Queen, Madonna, Salt-N-Pepa, Ed Sheeran and others too often sounds like group karaoke rather than movie musical numbers. And even the songs by pop-star Camil Cabello (the film’s lone burst of genuine energy) quickly begin sounding exactly the same.
The film’s on-the-nose introduction gives you a good sense of where its head is at – “Once upon a time there was an old-fashioned kingdom bound by tradition.” From there we’re introduced to Ella (Cabello), an aspiring fashion designer who’s far more interested in owning her own dress shop than finding her Prince Charming. Unfortunately she’s stuck under the same roof as her wicked stepmother Vivian (Idina Menzel in a thankless role). While Ella is full of her own dreams, Vivian submits whole-heartedly to the kingdom’s patriarchy. And she’s determined to make sure her girls do too.
Meanwhile in the lavish castle on the hill lives the cartoonishly thickheaded King Rowan (Pierce Brosnan), his remarkably dull wife Queen Beatrice (Minnie Driver), his hyper-leftist daughter Gwen (Tallulah Greive) and of course his son Prince Robert (Nicholas Galitzine), who is (reluctantly) next in line for the crown. The King, who’s more worried about his power and perception than his son’s wishes, insists that Robert find him a wife. So what does any good house of royalty do? You throw a ball!
You know where it goes from there. With the help of a little magic (and I mean very little) Ella goes to the ball where the nobleman and the commoner fall for each other. But Ella is no stay-at-castle kind of girl. She has her own aspirations and enough girl-power to see them come true. It’s the only real twist to the classic story that’s remotely interesting. Unfortunately it too is glaringly predictable and ends with a rather underwhelming thud.
The film takes several big swings at comedy and pretty much misses every time. The biggest whiff comes with Billy Porter’s loud and garish performance as the Fabulous Fairy Godmother. It’s essentially Billy Porter playing Billy Porter and mercifully it’s only one (albeit long) scene. Speaking of distractions, producer James Corden sticks himself into the movie playing a talking mouse turned human footman. If you thought the viral video of him dancing in a mouse costume was bad, wait till you see this.
“Cinderella” ends up being a movie that’s so enamored with giving the classic fairytale a makeover that it forgets everything else. It’s a musical without good songs. It’s a comedy that isn’t funny. It’s a romance that lacks spark. The biggest casualty is Cabello who has some noticeable charm and even a little swagger which I liked. But material like this doesn’t highlight any of her acting or musical strengths. In fact it doesn’t highlight much of anything other than the fact that we really didn’t need another Cinderella movie. “Cinderella” premieres tomorrow (September 3rd) in theaters and on Amazon Prime streaming.
I got to your 2nd paragraph/line and stopped there. Thanks for the warning.
Sure thing. I made it through the movie but it wasn’t easy. I think some people with a higher tolerance level might find some enjoyment out of it. I’m certainly not among them though. LOL
So, not a recommendation, got it.
HA! No, probably not a recommendation. 😁
WTH? Has Pierce Brosnan fallen on hard times or something?
HE IS SOOO BAD IN THIS! It’s an embarrassing role for him. I’m not sure what drew him to taking it.
Gotta be. Easy check.
This looks like hot garbage but it’s free so I’ll probably watch with a beer or 2. lol
Make it five or six beers and you should be good to go! 😂😂😂
I saw this back in 1986 when they opened for Bon Jovi.
They were a fucking good band. A more blues-based rock band than their contemporaries. R.I.P. Jeff Labar.
Their blues influence really came out in Long Cold Winter. I really liked Night Songs, but LCW was incredible start to finish.
I saw this in 1986 when they opened for Bon Jovi. They was rockin that big hair and spandex.
I do like Camila Cabello (and that ASS!) but I have no interest in this. Especially James Corden and honestly. Having James Corden hump his crotch around to stop traffic. That is wrong and if I was in that traffic jam and saw what I was going on. You’d definitely be hearing the news that I did commit vehicular manslaughter on that motherfucker yet I’d feel like I have done the world a favor.
Here’s the thing, Corden is as bad in this movie as he is in that viral video!!!
Burn it down Keith!!! Wooo, the rare 1 star review eh? LOVE IT!!! (Though sucks it has to come at the expense of some actors here that I like, Brosnan, Driver, Corden (ehhhh, he’s alright, he’s more of a chum than a true actor))
I’m telling you man, the 1 and 1.5 stars reviews have been toooo plentiful here lately. I’m ready for a healthy 4 star movie run!
I met Murray Cook on Zoom
I Think Hannah Waddingham would have bet a better choice for as Vivian than Idina Menzel
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