“Chum” may be the most hilariously obvious title for a movie you’ll see all year, especially when you consider it’s a sharksploitation movie. Mixing bloody horror with thriller elements, sharksploitation has quickly developed into a genre all its own. Unfortunately the quality of the films being churned out as of late makes you wonder how long this genre will stay afloat. That is especially true for the astonishingly bad “Chum”.

Director and co-writer Jonathan Zuck takes a handful of well-worn ideas and a noticeably small budget to create “Chum”. Making a movie independently with very few resources is always impressive and admirable. Unfortunately “Chum” is a mess of a movie that struggles to function in its filmmaking and storytelling. And no matter how hard it tries (and to its credit, it really does try), the film delivers nothing in the way of legitimate thrills.

We meet Tina (Alice Eve) and Tom (Eric Michael Cole) at their lavish wedding reception in Malta. The two may have just exchanged their vows, but there is clearly a tension between them. We later find out why. Tina has been offered partner at her law firm. And she’ll be fast-tracked if she secures drilling leases in Alaska for a major oil company. Tom is an investment banker turned environmental crusader who is vehemently against her working on behalf of her client.

But for some reason they get married anyway, despite both being miserable. Even more, they reluctantly go out on a three-hour catamaran excursion planned and paid for by Tom’s best man, Rick (Johnny Gaffney). Joining the unhappy couple and Rick are their friends, Rachinda (Sarah Siadat) and Brittany (Lisa Yard), along with Tina’s moody and unsupportive younger sister, Sadie (Elle Haymond). Aside from their marriage woes, Tina is hesitant to go due to reports of an increase in shark attacks. But the Captain reassures her with a kiss of death – “There’s never been a shark attack in these waters.”

Sure enough, a ferocious man-eating shark attacks leading to a hilarious string of mishaps that leaves the Captain seriously injured and the boat on the verge of sinking. Thankfully they’re spotted by a fisherman named Roy (Jim Klock) who gets them to his boat as the digitalized shark circles them all in search of his next computer-generated meal. But as it turns out, Roy has a painful history with this particular shark. And the frightened friends quickly learn that Roy will do anything to get revenge for what the shark took from him.

Zuck and his co-writer Joe Leone throw us a twist that might be more effective if we hadn’t seen a variation of it in another shark movie just last year. But that aside, the film’s other problems mount fast. The performances are unconvincing at best as the cast tries to make something out of the clunky material. Their characters often sound like they’re reading off a page and their actions can be utterly baffling. And it doesn’t help that it all has the emotional impact of a cinder block. Nothing feels authentic or investment worthy.

Technically, it’s not much better. The ‘action’ scenes are littered with jarring cuts and odd uses of slow-motion. And the digital shark never looks real enough to be menacing. To cap it all off, the film ends with some awkwardly on-the-nose messaging that sinks any part of the movie that was left afloat. It’s a shame because a lot of effort went into getting the film made in spite of an obviously small amount of resources. But sadly nothing really works in this baffling misfire, which makes a lot of bad shark movies suddenly look better.

VERDICT – 1 STAR

On the front-end of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s near fifty-year acting career, after he had established himself in two Conan movies and took the world by storm in “The Terminator”, he released “Commando”. It was his first starring role (minus the docudrama “Pumping Iron”) that wasn’t science fiction or sword-and-sorcery. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t an element of modern day fantasy to it. It was pure over-the-top 1980s popcorn action that audiences flocked to and that I still adore today.

“Commando” would be the biggest hit for director Mark L. Lester. It was one of several for screenwriter Steven Edward de Souza whose high-profile action resume also includes the first two Die Hard films, “The Running Man”, and “48 Hrs.” (yes, there’s also “Hudson Hawk”, but we’ll save that for a later Retro Review). Together they took a story idea conceived by Jeph Loeb for Kiss bassist Gene Simmons (!!) and retailored it for Schwarzenegger’s obvious strengths.

In 1985, Schwarzenegger was at his physical peak, and Lester utilized it to a near comical effect. From the early shots of Arnie quite literally carrying a tree, to him running onto the beach in a tiny Speedo, Schwarzenegger was a formidable specimen. Yet what really drew him to the role was the opportunity to play a father. Sure, he’s also a one-man killing machine who can fling an occupied phone booth and roll over sports cars with his bare hands. But the role allowed him to show a human side which he appreciated.

Schwarzenegger plays John Matrix (the perfect 80s action movie name), a retired Army colonel who has left his life in the Special Forces to raise his young daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano). Together they live a quiet and happy life in their remote rustic home in the mountains of upstate California. But their idyllic and slightly cheesy existence is interrupted when Matrix is visited by his former commander, General Franklin Kirby (James Olson), who warns him that members of his former unit have been systematically murdered.

With Kirby barely out of sight, Matrix’s home is attacked by mercenaries who kidnap him and his daughter. The man behind it all is General Arius (Dan Hedaya), a former South American despot who wants Matrix to kill his small country’s president so he can retake power. With the help of Matrix’s maniacal former squad-mate Bennett (Vernon Wells), Arius transports Jenny to his fortified island compound, using her as leverage to keep Matrix in line.

Accompanied by one of Arius’ henchmen, Matrix is put on a commercial plane bound for South America and his presidential target. But he gives the goon the slip (via a cracked neck) and hops off the plane just as it’s taking off. That leaves him with eleven hours until the plane lands and Arius is alerted that he isn’t onboard. And he will need every minute of those eleven hours to locate Arius’ compound and to make his way there to save his daughter.

After its fast and violent setup, “Commando” settles into an interesting rhythm as Matrix begins piecing together a trail of clues that he hopes will lead him to Jenny. It’s here that the supporting cast gets even better. Matrix finds an ally in a reluctant flight attendant named Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong) who adds some levity while still getting in way over her head. We also get a couple of terrific heavies including the delightfully slimy Sully (David Patrick Kelly) and the intense and menacing Cooke (the great Bill Duke).

“Commando” is an action movie through and through. But Lester and de Souza leave plenty of room for laughs. Admittedly some are unintentional and have even grown endearing over the years. But others can be organically funny – none better than the many one-liners. “He’s dead tired.”, “I lied.”, “I let him go.” – just some of the deliberately goofy bits that remain memorable after all these years.

But it all does come back to the action which we get in spades during the film’s final twenty minutes. That’s when Matrix and his arsenal of machine guns, rocket launchers, grenades, shotguns, sawblades, pitchforks, and claymores tears through Arius’ army of fodder to the audience’s delight. It’s non-stop carnage with a body count topping one hundred, yet its a wonderfully fitting finish for a movie that does a good job building up to its inevitable end.

“Commando” is a certainly a movie of its time. But is says something that it’s still revered by so many today. As I said, it’s pure popcorn entertainment that fans love for its artery-clogging cheese just as much as its wild over-the-top action. And it was the perfect vehicle for the fairly fresh Arnold Schwarzenegger who would immediately follow the film with hits like “Predator”, “The Running Man”, “Total Recall” and so many more.

VERDICT – 4 STARS