REVIEW: “Artemis Fowl” (2020)

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Full disclosure, I had never heard of “Artemis Fowl” prior to its feature film announcement. I knew nothing of Irish author Eoin Colfer’s popular series of children’s novels that featured a total of eight books released from 2001 to 2012. So I can honestly say I came into Disney’s $125 million adaptation with fresh eyes and bearing no allegiance to the source material. I actually prefer seeing movies that way.

The first plans to turn “Artemis Fowl” into a movie began brewing back in 2001. For ten years it languished in development hell until resurfacing in 2011 with Saoirse Ronan attached. Disney grabbed the rights in 2013, hired Kenneth Branagh to direct in 2015, booted Harvey Weinstein in 2017, and set the film for a 2019 release. It was delayed until May 2020 but the COVID-19 pandemic led to the cancellation of its theatrical release. Instead it was released last Friday on Disney’s streaming platform. After seeing it, that’s probably where it belongs.

“Artemis Fowl” is essentially a fruitless franchise launch for a series I doubt we will ever see again. Disney clearly have aspirations, the blatant sequel setup ending proves that. But I can’t imagine this film rousing a passionate enough fanbase for there to actually be more installments. From the very start it stumbles out of the gate, never gaining its footing and ultimately failing to capture the wonder of its magical fantasy setting.

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Photo Courtesy of Disney

Nestled on the scenic coast of Ireland is the remote Fowl Manor, home to wealthy antiquities collector Artemis Fowl, Sr. (Colin Farrell). Now from what I read this widowed father is supposed to be a “criminal mastermind” but the film does a terrible job of convincing us. I’m still not sure what he did to earn himself such a lofty underworld title. Nonetheless, he lives in the mansion with his only son Artemis II (Ferdia Shaw), a 12-year-old child prodigy whose lone desire is to be with his often absent father.

While on one of his business trips Artemis Sr. goes missing at sea amid news media reports that he was involved in the theft of numerous priceless artifacts. Artemis Jr. receives a call from a shadowy cloaked figure who has kidnapped the senior Fowl and threatens dastardly harm if the young boy doesn’t retrieve something called the Aculos which his father had stolen. Leaning on his dad’s fantastical teachings on the magical world of fairies, trolls, sprites and goblins, Artemis Jr. sets out to find the Aculos and rescue his pop.

Another story thread is set in the subterranean world of Haven City. It’s a high-tech civilization ran by fairies, most notably a cranky, gravelly-voiced Judi Dench who is more convincing as a three pack-a-day smoker than a hard-as-nails fairy police commander. Turns out the Aculos was stolen from them and they want it back. Unseasoned officer Holly Short (Lara McDonnell) is sent on a mission to retrieve it, her mission crosses over with Artemis Jr.’s, and so on. Other not-so-entertaining characters include Josh Gad as an oversized dwarf and Nonso Anozie as the Fowl family’s butler (but don’t you dare call him “butler”). The rest of the cast have such little resonance you’ll barely notice them.

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Photo Courtesy of Disney

While Branagh’s direction won’t win any awards, it’s the screenplay (from Conor McPherson and Hamish McColl) that really drags this thing down. Aside from the blandest storytelling and the most cookie-cutter characters, the dialogue is mind-numbing. Not in the sense of terrible lines (although we get plenty of those), but in the relentless voice-overs, narration, and exposition. Practically everyone in this movie speaks in stilted overly-explanatory language and nearly every line is treated as a critical information dump. At times it feels more like a college lecture than a movie script as things are spelled out to the most minute detail.

Case in point, we get exchanges like this:

“What is that?”

“A creature that consumes humans in 2.97 seconds and fairies in less than 1.”

Mercifully that is one of the shortest examples I could find but it makes the point. “Artemis Fowl” doesn’t give its audience any credit for being able to figure things out nor does it leave anything to the imagination.

Aside from that we get an incredibly cold and dry lead performance from Shaw. I don’t want to drum on a young actor, but the lack of charisma and charm he brings to his character makes him hard to digest as a serious protagonist. Add to that an astonishingly shallow villain so thinly-sketched that we basically forget about her for most of the movie. Her origins, her motivations, her end goal – who knows and frankly who cares.

Now it’s 100% possible young children may love “Artemis Fowl”. In fact I’m almost certain some will. So if you have kiddos this is a pretty harmless time-passer especially as part of your Disney+ subscription. But I can’t review the film through their eyes, only mine. And it’s hard to give this movie a pass when so many others have appealed to children while being enjoyable and competently made.

VERDICT – 1.5 STARS

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REVIEW: “Da 5 Bloods” (2020)

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Whether you’re a fan or not, everyone seems to pay attention when a new Spike Lee movie comes around. There is always a bit of uncertainly that comes with the 63 year-old Atlanta, Georgia native. A nagging question going into a Spike Lee joint is whether he falls into the trap of being too heavy-handed and preachy or if he trusts his material and his direction to do the talking for him. When he finds that balance his movies can be pretty special. When he loses sight of it things get a little messy. Regardless, the director always has something to say.

Hot off of a Best Screenplay Oscar win for “BlacKkKlansman”, Lee sets his eye on another tumultuous time and provocative subject – the Vietnam War. “Da 5 Bloods” is easily one of Netflix’s biggest releases of the year and it sees Lee doing his thing – enlightening through a deep dive into the black American experience and stoking a fire or two which always benefits his message while sometimes hindering his storytelling.

With “Da 5 Bloods” Lee has one foot in the past when black GIs were fighting in Vietnam while a war for their civil rights was raging back home. The other foot is firmly pressed in current day where four former platoon mates, a “brotherhood of bloods“, go back to Vietnam still haunted by ghosts from the war and scarred by their post-war struggles. While the scenes from the war are mostly flashbacks, they powerfully reverberate throughout the entire film effecting nearly every modern day scene we get.

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Photo Courtesy of Netflix

After a tone-setting montage the film introduces us to the four vets as they meet up in Vietnam with a very specific mission in mind. They are Otis (Clarke Peters), the platoon medic and the guy with important contacts in the area, the wealthy Eddie (Norm Lewis) who financed their mission, Melvin (Isiah Whitlock Jr.), the easy-going jokester, and Paul (Delroy Lindo), easily the most damaged of the group but also the most complex. During the war the men served under Stormin’ Norman (a terrific Chadwick Bosman), the rare black squad leader, who inspired them to persevere with power but with honor. Together they formed the film’s namesake – the five bloods.

Through a series of flashbacks we learn the bloods were given a mission to secure a downed C47 deep in the jungle. While investigating the wreckage they discovered a crate of gold bars that was to be given to the native people. Norman convinces the bloods that they should keep the gold and distribute it to their people as payment for years of injustice (the initial irony of taking gold from the hurting indigenous group due to injustice is striking). They manage to bury the crate but are attacked by the surrounding Viet Cong forces. Norman is killed and the rest of the bloods barely escaped with their lives.

That sets up the story for “Da 5 Bloods” as the four surviving friends head back to ‘Nam to retrieve the gold and find Norman’s remains. Lee and his writing team of Danny Bilson, Kevin Willmott, and Paul De Meo pack so much into the film’s 150+ minutes yet the story still seems to wander in the third act before weirdly devolving into an 80’s style ‘back to Vietnam’ shoot’em-up, the very thing Lee takes a shot at earlier in the film. Except this time instead of rescuing POWs it’s millions of dollars in gold bars at stake.

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Photo Courtesy of Netflix

Lee’s storytelling manages to be poignant, eye-opening, perplexing, and frustrating sometimes within the same scene. His four bloods, their camaraderie, their shared pain, it’s all explored and detailed through some really good on-screen chemistry which Lee smartly utilizes. The best of the group is Lindo and by far he is given the meatiest material to explore. He’s a puzzle both as a character and as a Lee construct. Lindo digs in deep and Lee has him go big, showing PTSD in its rawest and truest form. He’s given even more layers after his son David (Jonathan Majors who was so good in “The Last Black Man in San Francisco”) arrives, worried about his father and unearthing more details about Paul’s trauma.

There is also power in what the four men represent, both as Vietnam war veterans and as black men growing up during the Civil Rights era. Lee says a lot through them about black life (past and present) as well as the ravages of war both psychologically and socially. Each of the four bloods (minus their steady stream of obscenities that would make Richard Pryor recoil) can often be seen as expressions of deeply felt sentiments rooted in real-life experience. Yes Lee occasionally crosses over into political pettiness, but if you look past those impulses you’ll find many weighty and worthy themes.

As for the meat and potatoes of the story itself, “Da 5 Bloods” isn’t as sturdy. The nostalgic B-movie vibe can be fun even if some of its parts aren’t that effective. Lee throws in a shady French money broker (Jean Reno), an international group of landmine activists, a half-baked romance between David and a young French women named Hedy (Mélanie Thierry), and a band of Vietnamese mercenaries who (like many of the Asian characters) cover a broad range of caricatures. None of them bring much for the story.

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Photo Courtesy of Netflix

Add to that some far-fetched plot points including some unintentionally hilarious strokes of luck that are narratively convenient but hard to believe. Also it can be hard to tell which is more important to the four vets, getting their share of the gold or finding Norman’s remains and bringing him home. This is foreshadowed in one character’s warning “Gold does strange things to people. Even old friends.” But there are times when the film itself seems confused, putting far more emphasis on the gold than their fallen brother.

Spike Lee’s films stir up a wealth of conversation and debate. Often lost among it all is his proficiency behind the camera. Lee is a student of cinema and he has never been afraid to flaunt his influences. Here we get so many blatant and unashamed nods to other movies. “Apocalypse Now” rushes to mind as a riverboat snakes through the dense jungle to “Rise of the Valkyries”. Meanwhile impressions of John Huston’s classic “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre” are everywhere (we even get a character who literally says “We don’t need no stinkin’ badges.“) But he also brings plenty of his own signature style seen mostly in his use of period music, camera framing, sudden interjections, etc.

Spike Lee has a knack for getting people to overlook the messiness of his movies. For me that’s a challenge, yet his value as a filmmaker is unquestionable and the subjects he tackles are personal and relevant. “Da 5 Bloods” fits all of that. It’s a fascinating buffet of potent themes and meaningful social commentary, soaked in rich style and classic cinema flavor. Yet its story is a potpourri of highs and not-so-highs, always keeping your attention, but never fully gelling into something you can call great.

VERDICT – 3.5 STARS

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First Glance: “7500”

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If a pilot squawks transponder code 7500 it means the aircraft has been hijacked. That alone should give you a pretty good idea of what to expect from the upcoming Amazon Original “7500”.  The action-thriller is the feature film debut for German writer-director Patrick Vollrath. Paul Dano was originally slated to be the film’s star but left after a scheduling conflict. He was replaced by Joseph Gordon-Levitt who comes across as a much better fit.

Set within the tight confines of a passenger plane traveling from Berlin to Paris, Gordon-Levitt plays a co-pilot of an aircraft taken over by a brutal handful of bad guys. He follows protocol and closes off the cockpit, but the threats of violence to his passengers and crew push him to the brink. The nibble we get from the new trailer shows a tense, claustrophobic thriller that could be a lot of fun.

“7500” hits Amazon Prime on June 19th. Check out the trailer below and let me know if you’ll be seeing it or taking a pass.

First Glance: “Bill & Ted Face the Music”

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For those needing evidence that absolutely ANY movie can get a sequel, I present to you “Bill & Ted Face the Music”. Now to be fair this is actually the second sequel to the original 1989 “Excellent Adventure”. It was followed by the pair’s “Bogus Journey” in 1991. But when rumors started swirling of a third movie some thirty years later, let’s just say the prospects weren’t what I would call most triumphant.

But yet all the rumors were indeed true and Orion Pictures has dropped their first trailer. Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter reprise their roles as the air-headed but lovable best buds who must go back to their Wyld Stallyns roots to put together one more song that can save the world. Sound preposterous? Of course it does. It’s supposed to. That said, the trailer doesn’t reveal much and what’s there is more nostalgic than impressive. Hopefully they can give us another goofy, light-hearted adventure.

“Bill & Ted Face the Music” is set for release August 21st. Check out the trailer below and let me know if you’ll be seeing it or taking a pass.

RETRO REVIEW: “Escape from Alcatraz” (1979)

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For the past few months I’ve dedicated Wednesdays to doing Retro Reviews. The way it works is I put up three options on my Twitter feed (you can follow me @KeithandMovies). Followers vote, I rewatch the movie, and then post the review the following Wednesday. Whatever film finishes second comes back the next week against two new choices. So basically you pick what I watch and review.

There is something so simple about “Escape from Alcatraz” yet so foreign to much of modern day cinema. It’s the art of quiet visual storytelling. It’s when a filmmaker is so deftly in sync with his camera and the composition of every scene is so keenly utilized that he or she is able to speak volumes with hardly any dialogue.

Take the film’s fantastic opening. A man we come to know as Frank Morris (Clint Eastwood) is escorted by two trench-coated men to a docked boat waiting in the San Francisco bay. He’s handed off to officers who take him below deck and chain him down as the boat heads toward Alcatraz. It’s a pitch-black night and rain pounds the island prison as the boat slowly approaches. The wily camera, ominous score and distinct use of sound brilliantly places us withing the setting. And not a word of dialogue is spoken until Frank is inside the prison being processed.

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Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures

“Escape from Alcatraz” was directed by Don Siegel and it was the last of five films he would make with Eastwood. The film was adapted from a 1963 non-fiction book by J. Campbell Bruce. The story begins on January 18, 1960 with Morris arriving at Alcatraz after previously escaping from the Louisiana State Penitentiary. We’re aren’t told much about Frank or his past crimes. Only that he has escaped from other prisons which prompts the stern and confident warden (Patrick McGoohan) to inform him that no one has ever escaped Alcatraz.

Siegel gives great attention to the daily regimen within the maximum security prison. Through these routines Frank befriends several inmates including the embittered and wrongfully incarcerated English (Paul Benjamin), an elderly painter named Doc (Roberts Blossom), and the chatty Litmus (Frank Ronzio). And as you would expect he makes an enemy or two as well.

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Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures

Clint Eastwood is a great fit. Tall, athletic, and with plenty of grit, he has the quiet strength that is perfect for Siegel’s approach to this story. But that’s no surprise. Siegel tapped into those same strengths with movies like “Dirty Harry” and “Two Mules for Sister Sara”. But Eastwood brings more to his character than toughness and brawn. Frank is actually a genius and the only thing higher than Alcatraz’s security level is his IQ. And as the movie’s title makes obvious, he instantly begins planning his escape.

Siegel’s storytelling is as precise and methodical as Frank’s escape plan. Even when it appears he’s shooting nothing more than the minutiae of everyday prison life, there are still plenty of details that build the atmosphere and push the narrative forward. After rewatching it I still struggle with one nagging issue – the ending is surprisingly anticlimactic. But even at 40 years old, “Escape from Alcatraz” still holds up as a solid prison thriller sporting a really strong Clint Eastwood performance.

VERDICT – 4 STARS

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First Glance: “You Should Have Left”

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Universal Pictures dropped a nice little surprise for film fans announcing that their new movie “You Should Have Left” will drop direct to VOD in a few weeks. The Blumhouse produced haunted house/psychological thriller is written and directed by David Koepp. What will undoubtedly catch most people’s eye is the film’s star, Kevin Bacon. The film reunites Bacon and Koepp who worked together on the 1999 supernatural horror flick “Stir of Echoes”.

Bacon and Amanda Seyfried play a couple who seek to repair their strained marriage by taking a vacation with their young daughter (Avery Essex). The older screenwriter and his much younger actress wife rent a beautiful country home in Wales and all seems well. But spookiness ensues and bacon’s character slowly begins to unravel, losing his grip on reality and unearthing what looks like some dark secrets in the process. Doesn’t sound especially fresh, but it looks fun and seeing Bacon is a definite plus.

“You Should Have Left” will be released On Demand June 19th. Check out the trailer below and let me know if you’ll be seeing it or taking a pass.